Nothing Gold Can Stay..

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This summer I reached what I thought might be a turning point. It wasn’t a miraculous moment where everything fell into place and I found life was worth living. This isn’t a fairytale! It’s still been a struggle to get through each day but for once it seemed like a few things were going okay. 
After I had settled in I was enjoying work. Not being overworked, leaving on time and not stressed out. I had made friends and I looked forward to going into the office each morning, lunches with my colleagues. I was going out more. My friend newly single spent a lot of time with me, and I wasn’t afraid to take myself out.

But everything changed with the seasons. Everyone I was close with at work has moved on. The enjoyment for a day at work long gone, replaced with longings to phone in sick. Every day I’m leaving late, stressed and desperately holding back tears. Over the months my friends began to cancel plans, take days to text back then weeks until now I rarely hear from them. My new social life dropped with the temperature. And as the nights grow long, the darkness taking over the daylight, the darkness in my mind grows stronger. 

It’s difficult to hope when you’ve lost faith in life. I agree with Robert, nothing Gold can stay. 

People Suck..

That is perhaps a bit of a generalisation but most people do. It isn’t their fault really humans by design are selfish.

After years of friendships of convenience, people who talk but don’t listen,the people who don’t text back, who are never there. Cancelled plans and unkept promises. I gave up expecting anything different. I learnt the only person we have is ourselves, and if you don’t like yourself that’s just bad luck! 

Recently I realised there were so many things I want to do, but I was always waiting for someone. A friend or a lover to experience them with. In that moment I decided just because things can’t happen the way you imagined doesn’t mean they can’t happen at all.

In this world there is so much stigma around being alone. Family days out, couples weekend away. The silent judgement of asking for a table for 1 in a nice restaurant, a single woman at a bar. But to me all I see is someone strong and independent. 

So I made a list. London eye at night, dinner at the top of the shard, ice skating, a spa retreat. All the things I am going to do before the year is over. Because sometimes you have to make your own adventures.

Bursting The Bubble..

After last weeks unusually optimistic post I can safely say it didn’t take long for that bubble to burst drenching me in despair 😦

Excited by this new idea of mine I was enthusiastic to share with not just the WordPress community, but my friends and family. Unfortunately they brought me crashing back to reality. My closest friends were quick to find flaw…‘How was I expecting to get into a University given my poor school results?’….’How was I going to cope with University emotionally, given most days I struggle with everyday life?’…’Didn’t I know how stressful a career in social work was?’

Talking to my family was even worse. My brother being away at Liverpool University never answers his phone or replies to my messages. My grandparents suffering from Dementia are not easy to converse with, which left my mother. Trying to talk to her about any aspect of my life is like getting blood out of a stone. She doesn’t have a great capacity for listening so it took a good few attempts to broach the subject. She instantly hated the idea. Reminding me she wasn’t able to keep financially supporting me, that I needed to work. Reminding me that she is going to sell the house and get a place with her partner so where was I going to live while I studied for 3 years. That it is different for my brother, there is nothing wrong with him. That not everyone can have a career.

They planted the seeds of doubt in my mind and it wasn’t long before they sprouted, tangling in my thoughts. I started to realise that establishing a career was nothing but a pipe dream. That they were right, what if I couldn’t cope with the stress of a career. What if I just wasn’t intellectual enough. Going back into education is a huge commitment, how can I make that without the support I need, without even knowing where I will be living next year?

When There’s No One To Talk To..

Tonight, feeling lost and alone in a bad depression, I felt like I needed to talk to someone. Vent my emotions. But alas as it often is there wasn’t anyone, so I hoped I would find some comfort in writing about it.

I was expecting a rough week anyway after the depressive state I felt on holiday. But coming back to work to be told Khem in the warehouse had resigned was a huge shock. He had been there longer than me, 3 years working together and not even a chance to say goodbye. So now I’m literally alone, me and the directors. The last one standing as always. And it brought home my unemployability, everyone else had moved on except me. The one nobody wants.

My family tend to ignore me when I’m in a low. They don’t know how to deal with it, and it reminds them that I have a mental illness which on the good days they can forget. In a way I’m grateful, I don’t think I could take the questions, the telling me to pull it together. But at the same time it makes me feel isolated.

My go to is my best friend. Her mother has depression, she’s studied mental health at uni so she is the best person to understand me. But recently her partner jas started getting jealous, not liking her being on the phone to me, or spending time with me instead of him. It’s not unexpected its well known fact people in relationships spend less time with anyone else, but it made me feel so lonely. The realisation I really do have no one. I work alone, I have no family support, no partner to confide in and now lacking in any friends to talk to 😦

These last few days I’ve gone to work, come home and gone to bed till I cry enough to sleep for a few hours. What life is this misery?
It breaks my heart that this illness is destroying any dreams I had for my life. Marriage, children, travelling the world, having a career. It just seems to get further away out of my reach.

And now as another sleepless night stretches out before me I already know I’ll be watching mind numbing tv desperately trying to keep it together enough to get through tomorrow.

Love..

When people think about love, they usually think lovers, romantic relationships, married couples. So being single I spend a lot of time feeling I don’t have love.

This week I’ve been thinking a lot about love and realised I am incorrect in believing being single means I am without love in my life. I forget there are so many different kinds of love that are not romantic.

Unconditional love. My family drive me insane most of the time, but however unsupportive or insensitive they are I’ll still love them. My mum raised me by herself and my brother was my best friend growing up. Even when I hate them I’d still do anything for them. Same with my cat, even when she’s naughty, or scratches and won’t show me love, she’ll always mean the world to me.

When I spend time with my friends and it’s like a mental hug. Whatever is happening they always make me feel that bit better. I know I’d do anything in my power to help them. I love them even if we are arguing,without any blood tie but just as strongly as I love family.

And in some ways my colleagues became like a second family to me. Realistically I spend more time with them than anyone else. They see my ups and downs, ill and healthy. We’ve shared laughter and problems. And so in a way I love them all too.

So even though I miss the love of a romantic relationship and sometimes feel alone, I’m lucky for all the other types of love I have. And even when I wish I could go back to when I was still happy with my ex, in doing that I’d never meet my closest friend.

Support..

Support is the most important thing with any invisible illness, and it’s definitely about quality not quantity.

Everyone finds support in different things, family, partners, friends, therapists, social media…

I get a lot of support from my friends,  who actually all suffer with a invisible illness (coincidence – we didn’t become friends because of that common ground!) Whether it’s talking to them about how I feel, and even though they might not be able to help or understand having them listen. Or having someone to make you laugh, take you shopping and forget about things for a while. Or if it’s just sitting with you in silence just so you don’t feel alone.

I also get support from supporting them. This week I sat quietly watching tv with a friend who was feeling lonely, and took a friend shopping who had been having a terrible week. Looking after someone else is a nice feeling, being able to comfort them it makes you feel needed. It means for a while you stop thinking about your own thoughts and feelings and put your efforts into helping them.

Sometimes people can help you without even realising it. Everyday I go to work and a colleague makes me laugh without knowing how much I might need that laughter right now. Every time someone compliments something I am wearing or my hair, make up they don’t know how much it means when you can only hate yourself. Even writing on this blog and seeing the notifications someone has liked your post, the comfort it brings to think a stranger has taken the time to read your ramblings and that people understand you.

However tired or down I am, whether I have things to do places to go,  I try to never miss an opportunity to be there for a friend, because you know sooner or later you’ll need their support too. I notice when my colleagues have changed their hair or bought new shoes, I surprise people with little gifts, I smile at strangers because you never know how much a person might need a little support.

Bank Holiday Weekend..

I actually can say I had a surprisingly good Bank Holiday 🙂
I suppose that is the advantage of expecting everything to be awful, when it’s okay you are over the moon!

Sunday my mother was having friends over for a dinner party and I was meant to look after their 6 month old baby. Meeting new people makes me really anxious and I have never been maternal so I was pretty stressed! But her friends were a lovely friendly funny couple and their baby Henry was adorable. Cuddling and playing with him felt natural. Watching him so happy and carefree made me feel genuine happiness 🙂

Monday I was needed in the office but its double pay so I didn’t really mind. It was only me a colleague in the office chatting. He was asking me a lot about my depression, something no one ever does without being paid! Turns out his little brother is also ill and he had to help him with depression a lot. His surprise at learning how bad it can get for me when I always seem so happy made me see how strong I am, how good a show I can perform.

We went on to relationships including mine with my ex. Once he heard how he dealt with my depression, his saying he wasn’t sure he could live with my illness he was appalled. He said I was better off without him. That he was really not right for me. And I realised he is right. My ex was selfish, unsympathetic…I had put him on a pedestal but actually he was just as flawed as I am.

This week I am fully booked! Im working all week, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday after work I am out with friends. However horrible I feel about myself there are people who still want to spend time with me, and as Jay said just because my ex left I still have great friends, work colleagues and online support whenever I struggle.

Sometimes life and people can really surprise you.

Valentines Day..

I’ve never been able to understand valentines. To me it always seemed like a deliberate way of making singles feel awful!

I knew today was gonna be hard, I’m a naturally romantic person so I did a lot of cute things for my ex over the years. Of course now the dominant thought is he’s doing something with his new partner, thinking of them sleeping together. (We had both only been with each other)

I made sure I was working this weekend but being alone in the office, going home to an empty house as my mum will be out with her partner..It’s rough. The urge to binge drink all night is very strong but logically I know it isn’t going to do anything accept make me feel like death tomorrow. So I’m trying hard to make myself think of distractions for tonight.

I was invited to a house party tomorrow I’m still not sure I’ll go. I have nothing nice to wear and I won’t know anyone. But as they are friends of my ex-friend who disowned me part of me wants to go and get in all the photos as a “I’m not mopping the loss of your friendship” move. I haven’t been to a house party since school its really not my scene.

How To Make Friends..

After losing one of my close friends (he literally deleted me off Facebook and blocked my calls) I have come to realise I have very few friends left.

Isolation is well known to do nothing helpful for depression. And personally however low I feel I don’t breakdown in front of people.

Problem is on thinking about this I have no idea how you make new friends! I mean it is hardly normal to be going up to strangers trying to persuade them to be your friend.
I know a lot of people meet new people through their current friends, but my friends either also have no social life or are always unwell : /

I suppose friends are not a necessity. I go out shopping, cinema etc on my own. I can drink on my own. And I can write down what’s on my mind.

They should make a website on which people can advertise for friends lol. “Wanted- close friend to engage in regular conversation and weekly meet ups. Age anywhere better 20 and 32 no gender preferences. Love of cats desirable”

Letting Go..

Letting go is hard. And even when you think you have you haven’t. Because to really let go of someone is giving up any hope they’ll come back.

This week I had to let go of the small part of me that kept hoping my ex would come back. Seeing photos of him with his new girlfriend, I guess it brought it home I had been hoping he would come back and that he belongs to someone else now.

One of my closest friends hasn’t been speaking to me recently. I spoke to him this week and he’s explained basically he cannot be my friend anymore. Because of the depressions and paranoia I go through it makes me a difficult irrational person and he’s fed up with the drama. That cut deep as we’ve been friends since 2 years old.

As I said before my brother disowned me. He’s burnt all his photos of us, refuses to even acknowledge my presence and with him leaving for university soon I’ve had to accept things are never gonna be right between us.

I feel very alone and with an ever increasing number of people walking out of my life I am scared its only a matter of time till no one is left.
I know people say you should be happy in your own company, but 24hrs a day 7 days a week and it’s impossible to keep out the misery.