2 Misdiagnosis, 2 Therapists and 6 Different Medications Later..

Since I started my journey to understanding my mental health 2 years ago I’ve been through a lot. My first diagnosis (for Anorexia, PTSD and mild Depression) introduced me to my first lot of medications. On further analysis (by a slightly better psychiatrist) this was quickly changed to a diagnosis of Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Major Depression and Adjustment Disorder, followed by a new set of medications and Counselling. As the months passed the medication changed…more than once. And eventually I started Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Things were improving, at least that’s what they told me and what I told myself. CBT came to an end, I kept taking the antidepressants but my moods were so erratic it was exhausting. I didn’t want to go back and tell them yet another pill wasn’t working for me. I was starting to wonder would any of them work for me? Was I resistant to antidepressants?!

When I finally went back they didn’t put me on another antidepressant. After a lot of questions she told me that she believed my diagnosis to be inaccurate. AGAIN! The Generalised Anxiety was a keeper, but she believed the Depression was not a Major Depression disorder, but could be a Manic Depression. AKA. Bipolar Disorder.

So from my interrogation these were her conclusions on why I may have Bipolar:

• Vivid dreams
• Randomly stopping medication
• Excessive alcohol consumption to self medicate
• Extreme sleep patterns (i.e. the insomnia)
• Experiencing extreme Depression, self harming and suicidal urges.
• Unnecessary arguments with friends, isolating myself, becoming irritable without really understanding why.
• High sex drive
• Projects and courses I started but never completed
• Sudden and erratic mood changes

I knew very little about Bipolar Disorder but after some research I have learnt the following:

• Bipolar is a disorder which affects mood.
• Those with Bipolar experience periods of extreme Depression but unlike Major Depression disorder they also experience periods of Mania. Each episode of Depression or Mania can last weeks and “normal mood” may be rare.
• Depressive episodes are basically all the symptoms of Depression – low mood, no energy, inability to carry out normal tasks, feeling worthless, thoughts of suicide…you get the picture.
• During Manic episodes you may feel very happy, excitable, full of energy and ideas. People may behave recklessly, spending large amounts of money, doing things they would never ordinarily do. Talking quickly and becoming annoyed easily are also common in a manic episode, along with being unable to sleep and paranoia.
• Bipolar disorder is fairly common and one in every 100 adults will be diagnosed with the condition at some point in their life.

…..To be continued pending further psychological analysis.

More Celibate Than In A Monastery..

I’m not someone with a high libido, but after 2 years of single life I have to say I am really missing physical intimacy. And honestly I worry that maybe this is it, that I won’t have another romantic relationship. Yes perhaps I am being a tad dramatic but I’m well aware that I’m not beautiful or sexy, funny or outgoing. I’m the girl in the bar that no one looks twice at, and even online dating was an epic fail! Don’t get me wrong there are so many perks to being single, independence, freedom..both sides of the bed! Hell I don’t even think I want a relationship most days! But who doesn’t want to be held, touched..

Anyway recently I have found myself thinking a lot about someone from my past. Someone who I had been friends with for longer than I can remember, who had always been there when I needed them. A friendship that blurred into something more, and then ended completely. My mind keeps  me up at night replaying it, the chemistry between us, the passion. Not being able to get our bodies close enough, not being able to last more than a few minutes without touching. It was hot, and incomparable to anyone else I’ve been with. But he was a jerk. I was diagnosed with a mental illness and he wanted nothing to do with me. He completely removed me from his life when I needed his support. Something I’m not sure I could ever really forgive. So why am I missing him! Would I even want to be with him…am I just craving some intimacy?

 

Secrets & Lies…

It’s been two weeks now since I started my new job in the hospital…well strictly speaking I am not working within the NHS as hospital staff but with a separate organisation that rents office space within the hospital. It’s been a huge change for me, working in London and in public sector. ‘A great opportunity’ as everyone tells me. Over the last week everyone has been asking me the same question…’How is your new job going?” I look enthusiastic smiling as I say how I’m settling in, how everything is all good. And it’s all lies. Because I can’t tell them the truth. The truth is, it’s awful.

I’m not settling, not getting used to it one bit. Waking up at 6am after only a few hours sleep to drag my half asleep self onto a claustrophobic train. 40 minutes of trying not to think about the fact I’m not breathing right, that I feel faint. Willing myself not to have a panic attack during rush hour.

I am the youngest person in my department by a long shot, and without a doubt the least educated. Unlike my other offices this is not a place of sociable chat, this is a place of superior people who wouldn’t give you the time of day. With 5 minutes of training I was plunged in well over my head, tasks I had no knowledge on thrown at me with no guidance. Emails coming in faster than I can read them! Overwhelming is an understatement! I don’t know half the people in this organisation yet I have managed to piss off most of them. Snarky emails, condescending tones and stern telling’s off.

Everyday I sit in the canteen by myself barely able to eat, drinking coffee like my life depends on it just to stay alert. Everyday I’m locked in the toilet having a quiet breakdown. Everyday I leave work with a crippling depression, fighting back tears on the train home. Every night I drink to force myself into a state of numbness, and every night I think the same thing – how am I going to live like this?

I’m well aware it’s been only two weeks and it can take a long time to get used to a new job. But honestly, the more people I meet, the more stressful tasks and added responsibilities I receive, the more I start to realise things are only going to get worse.

Another Day..

1am..2am
Go to sleep
3am..4am
Please sleep

The day begins, but you are lost to the exhaustion
10am..11am
The day goes on, but you don’t want to participate

Get up
Don’t cry
Get dressed
You need to try

Wrap your arms around yourself tight,
holding the broken pieces together
Stare at your reflection through watery eyes,
Repeating the words like a mantra
“You’ll be okay, you’ll be okay.”

Wipe away the tears
Paint on your smile
Try to find some meaning
In life void of anything to live for

7pm..8pm
Darkness falls
9pm..10pm
The demons come out to play.

Realisation..

It came without warning. Like the peaceful darkness of a night sky suddenly ripped apart by a flash of lightening. Washed over me with the power of a tsunami, flooding every corner of my brain.

The realisation that I am aging. That every day my body is slowly decaying. My skin once smooth now etched with life’s struggles. Eyes that were once bright now heavy with baggage. While I am trapped within the torments of my broken mind, time carried on without me.

The realisation that in a few short months I will be 24, and what do I have to show for my life? I saw the people I grew up with graduate university, get good jobs, promotions, get their own place. Some of them now married with children. Others travelling the world. Whilst I have no academic achievements, no job. Single, broke and living with my mother.

The realisation that there are some things I will never achieve. That their futures can never be mine. That this struggle is forever.

Who Buys A Broken Plate..

So with Valentines Day coming up this weekend I thought it’s a fitting time for a post about love..

I’ve been single for 2 years now. To many people that sounds like no time at all, but I met my ex when I was fresh out of school so after 5 years together being on my own in the adult world was completely new to me. There are a lot of silver linings to living the single life..
– Freedom to do whatever you want without consulting anyone else. Watching the movies I like, eating the foods I like. Staying in bed all day, or going out till the early hours!
– It’s way cheaper. Meals for one, no birthday/Christmas/anniversary presents or splashing out on date nights.
– No drama. I spend so much time listening to my friends moan about problems with their relationships I swear it makes me feel lucky to not have one!
– Getting the whole bed to yourself. No snoring or getting kicked in the night and as an insomniac no stressing about waking them up when you are up all night.

I know single life sounds pretty awesome! But the novelty eventually started to wear off. Pretty much everyone I know is in a committed relationship, and hanging around couples all the time becomes a constant reminder of everything you don’t have. It’s the little things like cuddling in front of a movie, pillow talk before bed. Just having someone to come home to, to be there when you need them, to make you feel safe and loved.

It might sound like I’m desperate to find love but honestly I’m not. Maybe I am lonely but so are a lot of people and over time I accepted the possibility I might not experience ‘love’ again. As humans go I’m not beautiful, or that intelligent, or particularly funny (but hey not everyone can be right!) I’m insecure, sometimes paranoid, stubborn, untrusting. I have severe depression, generalised anxiety disorder and Insomnia. A history of self harm, alcohol abuse and suicidal behaviour. And now don’t even come with any money. Hell I don’t even wanna live with me!! At the end of the day if you have a beloved plate and it gets cracked you would probably keep it anyway. Who buys a broken plate, when the next store has perfect shiny new ones?

Romantic love isn’t the only love absent. I came to accept through work with therapists I don’t have any self love either. I basically have a deep rooted hatred of my body and mind, which isn’t uncommon for depression sufferers. There’s a line in one of my favourite books The Perks of being a Wallflower..
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
I think he’s right. So many people end up alone or in bad relationships because they don’t feel they deserve more.

Friendship love is something else that’s been a struggle. I lost a lot of people after my diagnosis, and out of those who stayed half are now gone too. Even my closest friends have a tendency to want you there when they are having a rough time (not that I mind I like to help people) but when life is going alright messages go days without reply, meeting up goes from weekly to monthly. Although I know life changes, people change and move on, it still feels like a personal failing.

So I dislike Valentines Day. And no not because I’m single or because I’m bitter lol I’m actually a hopeless romantic (I blame all the books!). No I don’t like it because Valentines Day isn’t for couples! It’s supposed to be able sending anonymous cards to your secret crushes, not taking your wife out for dinner!

4am Ramblings..

It’s 4 in the morning and while half the world sleeps I’m staring at the ceiling listening to the wind outside. In the hours of waiting patiently for sleep to take me my mind drifted to memories of favourite moments from the last book I read. And with the dawning realisation that I am unlikely to sleep before sunrise, I decided to use the time to write.

Since I was old enough to read I have adored books, and sometimes the words stay with me forever. Some people have favourite quotes from famous respected individuals that hold great meaning for them. I have passages from novels. And so I decided to make a quick list of my favourites 🙂

“So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things and we can try to feel okay about them.”
– Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of being a Wallflower

“You can’t just sit there and put everyone’s life ahead of yours and think that counts as love.”
– Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of being a Wallflower

“Things change, and friends leave. Life doesn’t stop for anybody.”
– Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of being a Wallflower

” Maybe all the strings inside him broke.”
– John Green, Paper Towns

” My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations.”
– John Green, The Fault in our Stars

“Mockingbirds don’t do one thing but make music for us to enjoy. They don’t eat up people’s gardens, don’t nest in corncribs, they don’t do one thing but sing their hearts out for us. That’s why it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird.”
– Harper Lee, To kill a Mockingbird

“Not all those who wander are lost.”
– J.R.R Tolkien, The Hobbit

“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”
– J.K Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

“What I need is the dandelion in the spring, the bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter what our losses. That it can be good again.”
– Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay

“It’s no use going back to yesterday I was a different person then.”
– Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

“It isn’t what we say or think that defines us, but what we do.”
– Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility

“She was struck down by the simple truth that sometimes the most ordinary things could be made extraordinary simply by doing them with the right people.”
– Nicholas Sparks, The Lucky One

“It was almost like a reverse nightmare. Like when you wake up from a nightmare, you’re so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.”
– Ned Vizzini, It’s Kinda a Funny Story

“Sometimes people just want to be happy even if it’s not real.”
– Veronica Roth, Insurgent

“It was like when you make a move in chess and just as you take your finger off the piece, you see the mistake you’ve made, and there’s this moment of panic because you don’t know yet the scale of disaster you’ve left yourself open to.”
– Kazuo Ishiguro, Never Let Me Go

…If anyone has their own favourite book passages I would love to hear 🙂

Citalopram..

Following this weeks GP appointment I’m on my 4th antidepressant Citalopram. Another SSRI commonly prescribed for depression and anxiety disorders.

I’ve been taking these for a few days now and from previous experience I was expecting some side effects, but I have NEVER experienced side effects like these! The nausea, dry mouth, loss of appetite and feeling quite depressed are all things I’ve suffered with every medication I tried so no surprise when they started. One thing that threw me was the exhaustion. All previous medication lists insomnia as a side effect, as I suffer with long term insomnia anyway it made no difference to me. Since taking the Citalopram I seem to be falling asleep maybe 3/4am and not waking until maybe 4/5pm. With insomnia I am usually able to go 48 hours with no sleep at all and feel tired. 13 hours of sleep and I feel exhausted!Today I even set numerous alarms in an attempt to wake at a decent time and see some daylight, but nope slept through it all. Even a sleeping pill can’t do that to me! Just as well I am unemployed at the moment. Now people with insomnia rarely enter REM sleep and therefore I don’t dream. If I do it’s always a nightmare. This week I was surprised to find I’ve been having bizarre messed up dreams every night. Another fun added extra with the Citalopram is the paranoia. I suffer a little from paranoia anyway on bad days, but today there were men doing some road works outside and I couldn’t leave the house. I had all the curtains drawn so they couldn’t see in. I started believing my friends hated me, that their friendship was some kind of trick. My cat sneezed and I was frantic calling the vets insisting she was deathly sick!

All doctors suggest side effects stop after the first 2 weeks so I am hopefully, but some evidence online suggests the exhaustion often remains. Regardless I agreed to give this medication a fair try, so until my next appointment in 4 weeks I will persist.

I’ll Go Back To Meds..

So 2016 hasn’t got off to a great start. Seems depression and anxiety are constantly fighting it out to be priority in my life right now. As a result things have started to spiral to the point I’m now bordering on agoraphobic, I barely eat, and where I was insomniac I’ve now gone full on nocturnal. Seriously I have the same sleeping pattern as my cat!

My ability to keep up a normal act is slipping. I can’t make myself cook or clean the house, I can’t make polite conversation. All I want to do is hide away from the world and it’s beginning to show. My few friends are fed up with my delayed replies to their messages. My mother is upset I haven’t been asking about her job or her hospital appointments. I know to them I’m selfish and uncaring which only fuels my own self hatred. But recently I just have no energy for their problems, it’s taking everything I have to get through each day. Yet I cannot explain it to them without the comments ‘maybe you should be sectioned’

So tomorrow I have an appointment with my doctor about going back on medication. I tried several different drugs last year that were about as effective as popping skittles, but to be honest I just don’t know what else to do.

The Fear..

My Aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer, luckily in the early stages, and is facing the start of treatment this week. My Grandma, says she cries all the time since the diagnosis. She cries because even though her odds are better than some, she’s afraid of dying. Most people are afraid of dying, it’s human nature. When I cry its because I’m afraid of living.

This week I was offered an interview for a position I applied for, something much more senior than I’m used to. People around me expect me to be excited and happy about this opportunity, and when I’m not filled with joy they put it down to stress. But really I’m just unhappy.

Suffering from anxiety means interviews are like a seventh circle of hell, going somewhere you don’t know, talking to people you’ve never met, knowing they are judging everything you do or say. And of course sooner or later you’ll have to tell them you are mentally ill, if they aren’t already doubting you then that will do it.

But this is more than interview anxiety. A new job means changes, and thats something I’ve never been able to deal with. I hate my current job but sometimes there’s comfort in familiar misery. My friends tell me it could be the perfect job for me, that I could be so happy there. But the chances are higher it will be just another job I struggle through to pay the bills. As anyone struggling with severe depression knows, happiness isn’t easy to find. I can count my experiences of genuine happiness on one hand! So is it pessimist to say a new job isn’t going to make me happy, or just realistic?

The last few days I have been lost in a pit of darkness. Unable to even make myself go to therapy sessions and struggling to eat even the smallest meals. Even alcohol holds no relief from the crushing weight of despair. I am terrified, the kind of fear that leaves you unable to scream. I’m terrified because I have so much life left. Years of going to work, of going home to an empty house. Years of watching people leave and feeling invisible. Years of distractions, doctors appointments, labels and stereotypes. Years of sleep deprivation, panic attacks and crippling depression. Years of struggling and fake smiles.

Living in a total eclipse. Knowing the sun is there but never being able to see it. Stuck in the shadow of the moon.