Secrets & Lies…

It’s been two weeks now since I started my new job in the hospital…well strictly speaking I am not working within the NHS as hospital staff but with a separate organisation that rents office space within the hospital. It’s been a huge change for me, working in London and in public sector. ‘A great opportunity’ as everyone tells me. Over the last week everyone has been asking me the same question…’How is your new job going?” I look enthusiastic smiling as I say how I’m settling in, how everything is all good. And it’s all lies. Because I can’t tell them the truth. The truth is, it’s awful.

I’m not settling, not getting used to it one bit. Waking up at 6am after only a few hours sleep to drag my half asleep self onto a claustrophobic train. 40 minutes of trying not to think about the fact I’m not breathing right, that I feel faint. Willing myself not to have a panic attack during rush hour.

I am the youngest person in my department by a long shot, and without a doubt the least educated. Unlike my other offices this is not a place of sociable chat, this is a place of superior people who wouldn’t give you the time of day. With 5 minutes of training I was plunged in well over my head, tasks I had no knowledge on thrown at me with no guidance. Emails coming in faster than I can read them! Overwhelming is an understatement! I don’t know half the people in this organisation yet I have managed to piss off most of them. Snarky emails, condescending tones and stern telling’s off.

Everyday I sit in the canteen by myself barely able to eat, drinking coffee like my life depends on it just to stay alert. Everyday I’m locked in the toilet having a quiet breakdown. Everyday I leave work with a crippling depression, fighting back tears on the train home. Every night I drink to force myself into a state of numbness, and every night I think the same thing – how am I going to live like this?

I’m well aware it’s been only two weeks and it can take a long time to get used to a new job. But honestly, the more people I meet, the more stressful tasks and added responsibilities I receive, the more I start to realise things are only going to get worse.

Black Hole..

I haven’t written anything for a while I know. I was intending to do a post over the weekend but after the attacks on Paris Friday night, like much of the world I mourned their loss. Many people have been stating how unfair it is to mourn for one country when there are tragedies occurring all over the world, and they aren’t wrong. But while I am deeply hurt by any tragedy anywhere in the world, unlike distant places I’ll never see Paris is a city I have been to many times, it’s full of memories and distant friends. From here in London its closer to Paris than it is to most of our Northern towns. And like the tremors of an earthquake we feel the impact of what happened.

This week has been a bad one for me. A lot of people I have spoke to who have never experienced depression have a misguided belief that we are always depressed, but as anyone who suffers it will know it’s not like that. Everyone has good days and bad days, periods of happiness and sadness. And so do depression sufferers, but we also experience what I call black holes. Periods of severe depression. And that is where I’m at this week.

Black holes come out of nowhere. One minute I’m blissfully happy then I’m falling. And more often than not there’s no reason. Everyone wants an explanation like the more times they ask me what’s wrong the more likely I am to find an answer. Everything goes dark. My mind poisoned with dark thoughts, my heart heavy with the darkness. Then its one extreme or the other. You can’t sleep or you can do nothing but sleep. You can’t eat or you are filling your body with junk food. Getting out of bed, showering, it all becomes a pointless enormously difficult task. Human interaction is a no! Sometimes I desperately want the comfort, but I have learnt the hard way all I’ll get is the questions, the unhelpful advice. I never know how long I’ll spend here, desperately trying to climb back out.

I try not to cry for as long as I can, because I know once the tears start I can’t stop the flow. Sometimes the pain of the desperate sadness is overwhelming and you’ll do anything to make it stop. I’ll drink alcohol like it’s juice just to dull the pain. Sometimes you feel nothing at all, completely numb. I get so desperate to feel something, I’ll cut my skin just to feel the sharp pain. I’m still not sure which is worse. Here the suicidal thoughts have more power. The voice that tells me I’m worthless. My existence means nothing. No one needs me. And I never know who will win, the desire to live or the desire to die.

The Fear..

My Aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer, luckily in the early stages, and is facing the start of treatment this week. My Grandma, says she cries all the time since the diagnosis. She cries because even though her odds are better than some, she’s afraid of dying. Most people are afraid of dying, it’s human nature. When I cry its because I’m afraid of living.

This week I was offered an interview for a position I applied for, something much more senior than I’m used to. People around me expect me to be excited and happy about this opportunity, and when I’m not filled with joy they put it down to stress. But really I’m just unhappy.

Suffering from anxiety means interviews are like a seventh circle of hell, going somewhere you don’t know, talking to people you’ve never met, knowing they are judging everything you do or say. And of course sooner or later you’ll have to tell them you are mentally ill, if they aren’t already doubting you then that will do it.

But this is more than interview anxiety. A new job means changes, and thats something I’ve never been able to deal with. I hate my current job but sometimes there’s comfort in familiar misery. My friends tell me it could be the perfect job for me, that I could be so happy there. But the chances are higher it will be just another job I struggle through to pay the bills. As anyone struggling with severe depression knows, happiness isn’t easy to find. I can count my experiences of genuine happiness on one hand! So is it pessimist to say a new job isn’t going to make me happy, or just realistic?

The last few days I have been lost in a pit of darkness. Unable to even make myself go to therapy sessions and struggling to eat even the smallest meals. Even alcohol holds no relief from the crushing weight of despair. I am terrified, the kind of fear that leaves you unable to scream. I’m terrified because I have so much life left. Years of going to work, of going home to an empty house. Years of watching people leave and feeling invisible. Years of distractions, doctors appointments, labels and stereotypes. Years of sleep deprivation, panic attacks and crippling depression. Years of struggling and fake smiles.

Living in a total eclipse. Knowing the sun is there but never being able to see it. Stuck in the shadow of the moon.

Attempting Poetry..

Another 24hours poured into the cement.
Living through our regrets.
Just one piece of a puzzle, too big to comprehend
Can’t see the end.

In the past the future looked too far to hold.
And now the present seems to close and cold.

I’m speaking to the world but I’m the only one in it.
Your eyes couldn’t watch the way the world spins.
I’ll sit here and watch until the world ends.

And I feel like I’ve lived with myself too long.
This isn’t the right time for these words.
We don’t have the right kind of space for these birds.
If we all could fly
If we all could cry
Everybody would laugh, and I would die.

Abandonment Issues

If you’d asked me a few years ago if I had abandonment issues I would have said “what’s that?” But through my time at counselling earlier this year I learnt that yes I have deep rooted abandonment issues. So now at least I understand why I have problems trusting people and forming close bonds because deep down I believe they will just leave (and to be fair so far that has been pretty accurate!)

This week my little brother got him A Level results. He definitely has the brains of the family coming out with As and Bs I was so unbelievably proud of him 🙂
He also found out he has been accepted into his first choice University meaning he’ll be going to Liverpool in a month!!

Our relationship has been difficult but regardless he still means the world to me so I hadn’t expected it to be easy, but I hadn’t banked on it being this hard. His leaving has resurfaced my abandonment issues with a vengeance. He’s going to be so far away and 3 years later with a new life up there he might not even come back. A part of me thinks will I even be here if he comes back.

I have fallen head first into an all too familiar dark place. I cannot stop crying, not even at work. Every time I think I’ve calmed down I start again. As a result I’m constantly exhausted and maintaining a mask for everyone, doing normal things like going to work have become near impossible. The suicidal urges consume all my thoughts made worse by knowing acting on them now I would stop my brother from going to university and how could I do that to him.

I constantly question who is going to leave next because really it’s only my mother and my 2 friends left now. I don’t blame people for leaving, hell I would like to leave me too!

Everything is changing so quickly I can’t keep up. My friend reminded me that life changes all the time, but I can’t cope with it. Future is a tense that doesn’t exist for me, I can rarely see to the next day at the moment I can’t see how to get to the next hour. I feel lost in this crippling depression and I don’t know what to do. Perhaps life isn’t for everyone.

Breakdown..

Yesterday was horrific. 

I had such a good weekend and I’d even made an effort to put make up on for work which never happens. Some of the graphics guys noticed and that felt nice 🙂

I hadn’t sleep from nightmares and insomnia much over the weekend so my work was sloppy I was making mistakes and it was getting me down.  And my bosses annoyed. Then an email from my ex. He was contacting me about the house moaning I’m holding things up because I refuse to sign the papers till the solicitors have the money from him. He complained I was untrusting which I pointed out might have something to do with him abandoning me during my illness! I wish I’d never replied.  He was going on about it being my fault he left and had the cheek to say he was hurting!  I was so angry he’s not the one struggling to just get through each day. He knows nothing of pain!

I could feel the tears escaping and had to leave work.  For a while I just sat in the car and cried. When I got home I was on a mission. One bottle, then another. I wanted to drink till I stopped existing and I had the alcohol to do it.

My mum was there. I feel horrific that she had to watch that unfold. She tried to talk to me and being completely drunk by this point I couldn’t edit my responses. The truths were hurting her 😦

I eventually lost consciousness and she must have carried me. I woke in bed and that’s when the vomiting started. I spent the whole night crying on the bathroom floor and throwing up. Needless to say I couldn’t go to work. My head is pounding but u can’t make myself take a painkiller. Or get a glass of water. So I’m just laying on the floor drifting in and out of sleep

If You Don’t Understand..

If you can’t understand why some people can’t get out of bed, I hope you never feel like you’ve woken into your nightmare.
If you can’t understand how someone could self inflict pain, I hope you never feel so desperate to feel something.
If you can’t understand how they are unable to sleep, I hope your mind never keeps you up all night.
If you can’t understand what would make someone starve themself,  I hope you never hate yourself that much.
If you can’t understand why they need the alcohol, I hope you never need to feel completely numb.
If you can’t understand what makes them irrational and paranoid,  I hope you never lose control of your thoughts.
If you can’t understand why they are crying, well neither can they!
And if you can’t understand how someone could want to end their life,  I hope you never feel so trapped and desperate for an escape.

If you can’t understand mental illness,  I hope you never suffer one and have to feel so misunderstood. I hope you are never made to feel so alone and inadequate.

8 Minutes..

Did you know that if the sun burnt out right now we wouldn’t know about it for 8 Minutes?

For 8 Minutes the sun would still shine in the sky and the rays would still feel warm to us. Then when the darkness reached us we would freeze almost instantly,  if it hurt we’d only feel it for a second.

If someone told you that you could survive it would you want to?
Try and imagine life without the sun. Dark, cold. Every day a struggle,  every day in pain dying to feel warmth on your skin. Alive, but not really living.
To die instantly and never know a world without the light or to survive and live with the dark? I suppose it depends which fear is stronger.  Dying or living.