Our Renting Nightmare..

It’s been a month since we signed the lease on an affordable, newly renovated 1 bedroom apartment that we hoped to be our first home together, and I’m writing this blog post from my old bedroom at my mum’s house. You know how they say beauty is only skin deep…well what seemed like a great opportunity has become a nightmare!

It’s true the apartment was newly renovated, but by no means was it done well! In the short time we have spent there we’ve had everything from major plumbing issues and faulty electrics to curtain rails that literally fell off the wall. We’ve had sewage blockages, damp and fly infestation.

When you marry someone you also marry their family, and when you rent a property it comes with the surrounding neighbours. Unfortunately for us on the ground floor our upstairs neighbours are unbelievable loud and unpleasant. To the extent we can rarely sleep before 3am.

We’ve been unfortunately gifted (like many people) with awful landlords, unwilling to do anything that might be any effort or money. Along with a letting agency who are virtually uncontactable! Renting standards and renters rights in this country and truly appalling, with so many of us being charged crazy prices for unfair living conditions. Being locked into an agreement with uncooperative landlords and neighbours there is very little we can do but count down the months until we can leave! (due to the sewage and infestation issues we are currently back staying with parents)

It has been a huge disappointment after waiting so long to get a place together for it to be such a horrible experience. Obviously the impact on my mental health has been so severe I am back in regular therapy trying to get some control on my anxiety. Not a great start to 2021

COVID-19 and the New Normal..

Things were going so well. 2020 was going to be a great year…then COVID *sigh* 

When the UK went into lockdown mid March, things didn’t actually seem that bad. 

Working from home – nice
Staying at home – no problem
Having a legitimate excuse to avoid people – an introverts dream! 

3 months later… I couldn’t have been more wrong!

Anyone reading this with anxiety will know that structure and routine is EVERYTHING! So while working from home does mean no commuting and being able to catch up on Rupaul’s Drag Race in the middle of the day, it also means chaos. I had my workday routine down. Calling my man on the 8:42 train, grabbing a coffee on my way into the hospital. Lunch at 1:30. Working from home me is always late, in PJs and forgets to even have a lunch break! As for work life balance…my work laptop is still logged on at 9pm!

As an introvert staying at home would have probably been fine, except for the fact I still live with my family. Anyone who has read my blog before will know my family are not supportive of my mental illness. At the age of 28 being stuck at home with a parent who still behaves like you are 15 is an exhausting experience.

As me and my partner of 3 years don’t live together, lockdown meant over 3 months apart. Going from spending 4 days a week together and looking for our own place to this has been a huge change for me. As structure is so important for my wellbeing I have had to build new routines on my own, to the point where the idea of going back to spending time together causes me extreme anxiety. 

Probably the hardest part has been trying to adjust to the ‘new normality’. The world as we know it has changed, and for someone with a mental illness that is very overwhelming! Things I had been comfortable with, like buying a coffee by myself, are now unfamiliar. With the lack of mental health services during the pandemic I, like many others, have fallen back on unhealthy old crutches. After several years free from the dependency alcohol has once again become a consistent part of my life.

No one knows how long this will last, how many lives will be lost and whether we will experience more peaks and lockdowns in the months ahead. The only thing we can say for sure is 2020 is not a good year! 

How has COVID-19 affected your mental health?

 

No Place Like Home..

At the end of a long day all most of us want is to go home. But what do you do when you don’t have a place to call home?

Those of you who followed my blog from its infantcy will have known I lived with my mother after my brother went to university. Now he’s gone and got his expensive piece of paper he moves back here to join the hoards of unemployed postgrads. As most siblings we do not get on. He has such a negative impact on my mental health and self esteem. And after a series of dramatic family arguments I wound up here. Living in my car. Sofa surfing between what few friends I have. And understandably my mental health is suffering. Each day becomes a struggle to just get through work. Thank God I still have a job. When I think about all those living on the streets with nothing it makes me realise hey it could be so much worse. This situation is temporary.

This week I am facing up to the realisation I will have to start viewing bedsits I can afford to rent. I will have to live by myself for the first time and deal with the anxiety that will no doubt follow. But this will be a good thing.

Mental Illness Doesn’t Break For The Holidays..

Over the Christmas period a lot changes. The shop opening hours, the regularity of public transport. For many of us work breaks for the holidays. But one thing that doesn’t change is mental illness.

I feel, and imagine so many others also feel, that people forget mental illness does not acknowledge the fact it is Christmas. Unfortunately the festivities do not stop things like depression, or anxiety. If anything the holidays only make things that bit harder!
Personally I have never liked Christmas, it brings back painful childhood memories and a feeling of failure for never feeling “Christmasy”. Alas every year I always tried so hard to make myself happy, to get into the Christmas spirit. Needless to say, every year I failed. So this year I decided to not force myself, to allow myself to stay in bed all morning, to have quiet moments of crying if I needed to. I didn’t make myself listen to Christmas music repeatedly (most of it is god awful anyway), or bake mince pies (which I don’t even eat). And most importantly I didn’t paint a scene in my mind of this perfect day. It hasn’t made me any happier, I am still struggling with the season the same as every year. But it has helped to remind myself it’s okay to not be okay, it’s okay if I’m not filled with magical joy or if I need to cry half way through dinner because I’m overwhelmed. 

We are the ones who have to live with our illnesses, so this holiday find a bit of quiet time for you. Whether it’s going for a walk, spending a few extra minutes in bed or taking yourself to the bathroom for a breather. Please make sure you look after you! Because Christmas can be hard. Maybe you are surrounded by people who don’t understand you. Maybe you don’t have anyone who will tell you it’s going to be okay. But you understand you better than anyone ever will, and you will be okay.

Since my diagnosis one thing I do every Christmas is during the early hours, when my insomnia is keeping me from much needed sleep, I open any gifts from friends or work colleagues. In bed with a hot chocolate, it’s my own private Christmas before the day starts and I am surrounded by family. The calm before the storm. And that’s what I’m off to do now 🙂

Wishing all you wonderful people a stressfree Christmas 🙂

Nothing Gold Can Stay..

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This summer I reached what I thought might be a turning point. It wasn’t a miraculous moment where everything fell into place and I found life was worth living. This isn’t a fairytale! It’s still been a struggle to get through each day but for once it seemed like a few things were going okay. 
After I had settled in I was enjoying work. Not being overworked, leaving on time and not stressed out. I had made friends and I looked forward to going into the office each morning, lunches with my colleagues. I was going out more. My friend newly single spent a lot of time with me, and I wasn’t afraid to take myself out.

But everything changed with the seasons. Everyone I was close with at work has moved on. The enjoyment for a day at work long gone, replaced with longings to phone in sick. Every day I’m leaving late, stressed and desperately holding back tears. Over the months my friends began to cancel plans, take days to text back then weeks until now I rarely hear from them. My new social life dropped with the temperature. And as the nights grow long, the darkness taking over the daylight, the darkness in my mind grows stronger. 

It’s difficult to hope when you’ve lost faith in life. I agree with Robert, nothing Gold can stay. 

Counselling..

Tuesday night with 2 days off work!

Tomorrow I’ve got to wait in for my bed to be delivered, can’t wait! Finally a double bed I can stretch out in after the single airbed, hopefully kitty will like it too (let’s face it she sleeps more than me!)

In the evening I’ve agreed to go to a concert with my mums boyfriends son whose same age as me. It’s everything I hate public transport, unknown places, lots of people. But I think it will be a good experience and I’m determined not to panic and try to have fun.

Thursday I’m going to counselling. With the CBT months away I found a local counsellor recommended by a friend. I’m very good at closing up not so good at opening. So I’m hoping it will be a chance to talk to someone who doesn’t know me in confidence. I’m terrified but I’m hoping it’s going to be a big step forward